notes on a year of yellow

a photo essay

the excruciating wait for a top surgery date gave rise to a wardrobe of dark hoodies & oversized shirts that instantly became useless after Dr. Ray sliced the 36DDDs off my chest.

captured by Alexis Jayde

my closet then morphed into a mini boutique of zip ups & button downs–the only tops I could slide on during my recovery. until my arms were given permission to reach over my head again. but that milestone was a complicated victory. how do you dress a body that has only ever existed in your head? how do you style a familiar stranger?

captured by Alexis Jayde

maybe if i was a fashionnigga i’d be hype, but i’ve always hated shopping. the consumerism. the harsh lights. my Libra indecisiveness. the unnecessary gendering. never being able to buy anything without first trying it on or checking my wallet. i believe spirals were born in fitting rooms.

captured by Alexis Jayde

but now that i was done hiding, done concaving my chest & wearing colors that easily fade into a crowd, i needed my new look to make shopping simple. so when i saw that Andre 3000 interview, where he tells that white dude about the ease of wearing a uniform, it clicked! everybody knows overalls are non-binary fashion 101. (one could argue Andre is an enby fashion icon, but somebody else gone have to write that essay.) Unfortunately finding a pair of overalls I’d wanna wear every. goddamn. day. was a flop + buying multiples doesn’t really fit my thrifting lifestyle. so i decided to shift to a singular color. it had to be a pigment that refused erasure, even in the thick of night.

captured by Alexis Jayde

i don’t remember who asked about my favorite color, but i’ll never forget the ache of realizing i didn’t own a single yellow article of clothing. when did gender dysphoria rob me of my hearted hue?

captured by Alexis Jayde

the problem with wanting to wear only yellow & being a thrift store regular is that options are severely limited (though it does make shopping so much quicker, especially when racks are color coded!) after watching enough YouTube tutorials, it was time to dye my white clothes. with the help of my play cousin/housemate IMAN, we made the kitchen into a dying lab. pretended to be chemists with the various shades of yellow i bought from Michaels. between my newly dyed clothes & the few gems i found at Goodwill, i was ready to release any fabric that didn’t mirror the sun. i needed to reclaim brightness. to welcome visibility. promised myself to wear only my favorite color. at least for a year.

captured by Alexis Jayde

i had no idea how much yellow would stir up. in. on. around. & beyond me. how much i’d unpack yellow’s complexity. how much deeper i’d meet myself.

captured by Alexis Jayde

the experiment stretched from January 1, 2024 to April 17, 2025. & the reason for the marriage morphed nearly every time someone asked me why:

‘cause yellow don’t give a fuck about gender

‘cause my surgery scars asked for gold

‘cause i owe the best summer to a leaking mango

‘cause every eyebrow i pass rises like banana bread

‘cause a nigga dripped in yellow is da 1st wonder of the otherworld

‘cause i can’t remember da name of da ghost who sold peanut m&ms on da school bus

‘cause i ain’t mean to pee on myself

‘cause i’m pissed about what it mean to stay alive

‘cause somebody left da top off my highlighter

‘cause how else to be a lighthouse

‘cause mama said you ain’t gotta look like what you been through

‘cause i already got enough decisions to make with color

‘cause da last time i touched my sister she was sleeping in the park where teeth yellow & jello

‘cause yellow stains as easy as grief

‘cause nobody can say dey didn’t see me

‘cause sometimes i ride my moped at night

‘cause joy keeps runnin away at sunset at dawn at noon

‘cause my brain comes from a long line of brains that don’t know what to do with yellow 

‘cause slow down

‘cause i need everybody to slow down

‘cause my nerves done become a scroll of caution tape

‘cause covid set my senses on fire

‘cause yellow is only as yellow as what’s already yellowin

‘cause my dad can’t figure out how to hug what i’ve made of his daughter

‘cause what is a child if not a flashlight

‘cause i read sumn bout da solar plexus

‘cause Oshun ‘cause Oshun

‘cause Auntie Dina tried every treatment center in da yellow pages

‘cause i always gotta be what i don’t see

‘cause america always had jaundice

‘cause my name makes da sun my ancestor

‘cause da sun is da last country i pledge allegiance to

‘cause i needed a new way to scream to pray

‘cause haven't you ever moaned like macaroni & cheese

‘cause i was somebody’s bright idea

‘cause i wanna be as sexy as an autumn leaf

‘cause da bees da bees da bees da bees

‘cause i wore Grammy’s pale yellow dress to her funeral

‘cause everyday is somebody's funeral

‘cause somebody said make lemonade

‘cause da first girl i kissed had tweety bird sneakers

‘cause my closet wasn’t always a field of daffodils

‘cause da lyrics to coldplay’s yellow is in my chest’s deep freezer

‘cause i’m still in the back of the class sharpening my #2 pencil